When this "mindset" takes over

Wow....

There have been a few days in which I honestly didn't think I would make it through the night. I am here and feeling grateful. You see this time it wasn't that I wanted to die, so I was so scared shitless. There was this voice, this mindset that hasn't surfaced since the last time I tried to end my life.

I was so scared....

I thought that I could possibly fall asleep and when I did, this mindset would take over and I would wake up and end my life. This wouldn't be the first time that I've woken up not being myself... or so I'm told...

Those 3 days I didn't get much sleep because I was scared to fall asleep. When it got unbearable I went to the ER. I wasn't admitted again thankfully, because I was able to go to seek help and I have a support system in my husband. They did recommend that I go to a Adult Partial Hospitalization Program.

In one of the lectures they talked about how to become a survivor instead of the victim. I try not to let my vulnerability show and I am the master at wearing masks, but how do I show myself how to become a survivor? How have you adapted the survivor mentality instead of the victim?