The sea is rising

I am drowning and I don't know how to stay afloat. I have friends, associates, and a plethora of "bodies" around me but no one I can talk to. No one who really knows, understands, or tries to understand the tsunami I am in right now. That's where you come in. Will you be my friend? I don't mean the friend I go shopping with, have coffee with, or go out clubbing with. I need someone to talk to who will just listen to me. Will you come and watch a movie with me and laugh until we cry? Can we discuss life as it is and not politics or the weather? I can't do this alone.

There is this quote that I think of often when this PSTD/MDD/Anxiety gets the best of me. I can't remember the exact words, but it says something like, I was drowning and waiting for someone to help me, but it was only then when I realized that all I had to do was stand…  I will have to post the quote once I find it. The reason I am telling you of this quote is because now that I am actually drowning, now that the ocean is rising, I am understanding how much this quote is bullshit. I have no idea who the author of this quote is or what they have been through, but my theory is that it was probably written by someone that doesn't fully understand trauma or depression. Not like the kind of hell I have lived in my past. I’m being cynical lol. On a lighter note…

I don’t have to be hospitalized again since I am not suicidal. I went for an assessment two Wednesdays ago, and they are recommending partial hospitalization. I’ve known since the beginning of February things were taking an ugly turn. At this point I wasn’t able to do anything…I reached out to my husband to find a doctor for me because I didn’t know where I would be mentally in a month. I don’t think he took me seriously. He found a doctor for me 3 weeks ago, though. When I called to make an appointment, they recommended that I go in for an assessment…this was 2 weeks ago. I start Monday and I am scared shitless and my anxiety is through the roof. I know what they expect me to do and say and I don’t want to deal with my past. Until next time…