PTSD MDD

My past has messed me up so bad that I had a very skewed view of life and people. I've had to learn the hard way that my husband was for me, he loves me, and always has. I'm okay most of the time but when it gets bad, its hard to see any light even though I know its there. I can't grasp it, I can't get my head above water. The anxiety alone kills me but when its combined with everything else, it's so hard to not give up. I can't give up though despite how much I want to. Despite how much everything is crashing.